Blessed Litha; may the Sun shine down and fill you with love and warmth throughout the summer and beyond.
As I sit here writing this I am a mix of emotions; I'm excited or the solstice and I am definitely feeling the energy of Summer and all that it brings with it. It's an exciting time, my girls are out of school, the water of the gulf is warm, and I am changing and growing (spiritually) every day.
So with all this excitement and energy why is my stomach in knots? Why do I cry at the drop of a dime? Because my world is turning upside down, I'm close to losing my mom. Why am I telling you this? I hope to prevent any child from suffering the way I am right now.
My mother has been in and out of the hospital 3 times in the past 2 months all in the ICU, the last visit on a Ventilator for 4 days. You see my mom has COPD and she has it from smoking for 40 years, the last 17 after she found out she was sick.
During this last visit we found out she is stage 4 or end stage, I know my time with her is short and I am angry about that, I'm angry at her for ever picking up that first cigarette, I'm angry that after quitting for more than five years she picked up another one, I'm angry that she won't see my beautiful daughters or there cousins graduate from high school, I'm angry that she's only 57 years old and may not even make it to 58 next month.
I know this is wrong to say but as much as I love her, I hate her at the same time. No child or grandchild for that matter should ever have to watch as their parent struggles to breathe when it could have been prevented. Her smoking aside I have childhood issues (some of you know what I'm speaking of) that I can never resolve with her, because she can't have stress(it could kill her).
I want to hold her in my arms and tell her it's ok I love you, we're alright; but I can't, and that makes me angry because I really need to be that person for her right now, and all I can think about is "Why, Why did you have to smoke, Why were you so selfish to put that poison in your body and take yourself away from us"
So what's a girl to do? Well, this girl being the eldest child will do what she always does; she'll tuck away the anger and pain, and she'll be there for her brothers who sadly aren't as strong as they think they are, she'll do what's expected of her, and then once she's alone, well I don't know what will happen then and I really don't want to think about it right now.
Now at this moment, I do have a huge favor to ask of you, If you smoke please STOP right now, I know it's a hard thing to do, but trust me nothing is harder than watching a parent die because they didn't quit. DON'T do that to your children or other loved ones, it's really not worth it.
I'm sorry this went so long, but I thank you for letting me get some of this out of my system, even if it was just for a little while.
Ash-Lynn
