Conflicted...

Caution!!! Possible Triggering May Occur 

On Thursday the 25th I lost my stepdad and ever since then I have been on a roller coaster of emotions, it has more loops than I have ever seen.

Lets go back, my Mom married my stepdad when I was 5 years old, and up until I was 15 I had the most amazing dad in then world, and then in one night my whole world changed; that was the first night he ever climbed in my bed, this and worse behavior continued until I was 18 and moved out of my parents home, it continued even when the adults in my life knew what was going on and did nothing.

My Mom stayed married to this man until she passed away a year and a half ago, and I was conditioned to play "happy family". I may have been conditioned but I wasn't stupid; I never let my daughters stay the night over there or spend time alone with him, I also made sure that my husband knew what was what.

Four years ago, my stepdad was diagnosed with cancer, and because of this lost his leg, I felt bad for him because no one should ever go through that, but a voice inside me said it's his Karma paying him back.

Now flash forward to the past week and why I am feeling so conflicted about my emotions, to me the man I called daddy died when I was 15 and I truly morn that man, but now I'm having to listen to his family talk about what a great person he was, how much he loved and took care of his family, how they know he's in heaven; and I want to scream at the top of my lungs "this was not a good man, this was an evil man, he took away my innocence and my trust" but I don't I just keep quite and let them keep piling on all the work for making his arrangements; it's like I'm frozen in fear all over again.

writing is one of the things I'm supposed to do to help me work through this, so I may be writing more posts about my issues, just a heads up for those who might get triggered.

Thanks for listening

Blessings

Ashley