Sorry, Not Sorry

I don't know about you guys, but i have been saying sorry way to much lately and I'm done.

I'm done with saying I'm sorry, when others are at fault, step up and take responsibility for what you do and say. Don't call me names and put me down, then cover your drunk, pill popping ass by telling the world how I did you wrong; then want me to say sorry. 

Don't call me and cry on my shoulder and pull the "but we are family card" and get me to say oh it's ok. 

I know the statements above may sound harsh, but after 45 years of my family telling me "you have to be friends, she needs you, cousins are supposed to be best friends and quilting me into doing what they say I should again and again; I just can't anymore. 

I am tired both mentally and physically, you can only pick a person up off the ground so many times, before you walk away and leave them laying there.  

I can't answer the phone at 3am only to here slurring of words and you wanting me to tell you it's ok you're not a bad person; I'm done being your enabler. 

I'm done with having the same conversation over and over because you either can't remember or hope I'll change my mind. 

I'm done being told I thought you loved me enough to do this or that. Love has nothing to do with it. 

I'm done being made the bad guy because I won't cave to your wishes. 

I'm done with the stress, depression, and self loathing this relationship and family has gifted me with my whole life. 

I am done living a life that keeps me so stressed that I spend days in bed with migraines, from today forward I live my life my way, on my own terms and no one else's; today I hand all of this mess over to the universe/Goddess/God, it's not my headache anymore.

Demi Lovato sums up my feelings with "Sorry, I'm Not Sorry"

Thanks for listening for another rant

Love you guys

Ashley 

Saddened on Samhain

As many have said it is with a very heavy heart that we have to say goodbye to our wonderfully sassy friend and Sister Witch Delores Chapman aka TipToeChick.

Dee was killed in a car wreck Sunday evening, (here is an article on the wreck - News Story). leaving behind 3 beautiful children, a loving family and a devastated pagan/witchy community.

For many, Dee's youtube videos was an introduction in to the wonderful community that we have. Some of us can even remember what video was our first TipToeChick video(mine was "How to Make a Tincture!!!") and of course nobody will ever forget her iconic opening words "Hey Tubies".

My favorite memories of Dee will always be hours and hours of late night stikam chats, those were amazing and it how I and a lot of us got to know Dee and each other.

I know as sad as we all are her family is going through hell right now and we need to keep them in our thoughts and prayers.

On this most sacred of days in our community we need to remember Dee, light a candle for her, talk to her, and send loving, healing energies to her family.

Dee you helped me in so many ways and I will always be grateful, damn I'm gonna miss you chick. I'll never forget you Dee.

Ashley(Ash-Lynn on stickam)

Love Yourself, Scars and All...

We all have scars, big and small, physical and mental; the world tells us that scars are ugly and should be covered, hidden away, or not spoken of; but today, we are attempting to put an end to that by exposing our scars and loving them, for they are beautiful and make us who we are.

As my contribution to Beautiful Freaks Fest 2: Scars, Scars, Scars… Such Terrible Beauty! I have created a crystal grid to helps us all embrace our scars and to give ourselves infinite self love.

I have used an amethyst heart in the center, Sodalite, Rose Quartz, and clear Quartz points for the infinite self love loop.

Feel free to print and use this grid in your meditations, I suggest holding a Rose Quartz while meditating and also carrying one with/on you to help you love yourself and your scars.

If you would like you name added to this grid, just drop me a line in the comment section.

Crystal Blessings

Ashley

Posted as part of Beautiful Freaks Fest 2: Blog Party

Scars Make Us Who We Are...

Scars no matter the size, physical or mental; tell a story.

This year we have been encouraged to give our scars life and tell some story's of our own. Tune in on October 26th-28th and read my scars and read the scars of many others as we participate in ...

 This amazing event brought this song to mind.

I look forward to reading everyones scars and writing my own.

Blessing

Ashley

Meditating at 55 Miles Per Hour

When I first started out on my path to discover the practice of meditation, I had this grand vision of sitting in solitude on a nice comfy cushion; legs crossed, my hands resting on my knees, and me chanting Om over and over as I breath in my nose and out my mouth. However I just could not do this, I could not just sit there and breath and wait for some grand vision to come to me; my mind just does not like to sit and be quite and so I began my journey to find a way to meditate that would work for me.

I found my perfect meditation on the back of my husbands motorcycle at 55 miles per hour, and it's was wonderful. No really that's my zone out, ground myself, and listen to the universe spot. I have also learned to do the whole crossed leg thing too, but instead of quieting my mind I listen to what it is telling me, I take note of what messages I'm getting and what they mean to me and how to go forward with them. I'm still not an expert but I now know what works for me.

I want to share a few basics of meditation with you and what meditation can do for you.

 What is Meditation?

Meditation can be defined as a practice where an individual uses a technique, such as focusing their mind on a particular object, thought or activity, to achieve a mentally clear and emotionally calm state. - Webster's Dictionary 

Meditation to me is time I set aside to calm my mind and listen to the universe and my guides, it's a time to ground and center myself before starting the days task. 

What are the Benefits of Meditation? 

• Reduces Stress 
• Relaxes the Mind & Body 
• Lowers Blood Pressure 
• Helps with Anxiety 
• Gives an overall feeling of well being. 
• Helps you gain better focus 

Where to Start 

Start by doing the basic meditation we have all heard about, find a quite place(this can be inside or outside), and just sit and listen to what ever come into your mind, do this for 5 - 10 min(set a timer if you need to) always remember to breath in your nose and out your mouth.

Take note of what messages come to you and how you feel after you meditate; do you feel relaxed, less anxious, etc. If the basic technique does not work for you, do some research and find what type of meditation works for you.

 Do you Meditate? What works for you?

Conflicted...

Caution!!! Possible Triggering May Occur 

On Thursday the 25th I lost my stepdad and ever since then I have been on a roller coaster of emotions, it has more loops than I have ever seen.

Lets go back, my Mom married my stepdad when I was 5 years old, and up until I was 15 I had the most amazing dad in then world, and then in one night my whole world changed; that was the first night he ever climbed in my bed, this and worse behavior continued until I was 18 and moved out of my parents home, it continued even when the adults in my life knew what was going on and did nothing.

My Mom stayed married to this man until she passed away a year and a half ago, and I was conditioned to play "happy family". I may have been conditioned but I wasn't stupid; I never let my daughters stay the night over there or spend time alone with him, I also made sure that my husband knew what was what.

Four years ago, my stepdad was diagnosed with cancer, and because of this lost his leg, I felt bad for him because no one should ever go through that, but a voice inside me said it's his Karma paying him back.

Now flash forward to the past week and why I am feeling so conflicted about my emotions, to me the man I called daddy died when I was 15 and I truly morn that man, but now I'm having to listen to his family talk about what a great person he was, how much he loved and took care of his family, how they know he's in heaven; and I want to scream at the top of my lungs "this was not a good man, this was an evil man, he took away my innocence and my trust" but I don't I just keep quite and let them keep piling on all the work for making his arrangements; it's like I'm frozen in fear all over again.

writing is one of the things I'm supposed to do to help me work through this, so I may be writing more posts about my issues, just a heads up for those who might get triggered.

Thanks for listening

Blessings

Ashley